The Man’s Guide to Women, by John and Julie Gottman

Give this book to the young man in your life. NOW! Before he screws it up with women.

For women unfamiliar with the Gottmans, the book serves as an introduction, lite, to their way of thinking. And their thinking is important, because they are among the pre-eminent marriage specialists of this century and have developed a method to predict with greater than 90% accuracy whether a marriage will flourish or flounder.

For young men, the book provides common sense advice on how to approach women for dates and how to behave sexually. Presumably, this will induce them to read the book long enough to absorb the more important messages of the later chapters, including the challenge of how to make a relationship last. The Gottman trademark Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling — are discussed briefly, along with imprinting and attachment theory.

The main message is pure Gottman: Turn toward your woman, easy to say but not easy to do. Guys, if you succeed in mastering this complex skill, the payoff is more sex, less fighting, and a successful relationship.

I’ve read several Gottman books. What was new to me:

• • MEN ARE THE MAKE OR BREAK FACTOR IN A RELATIONSHIP
    The Gottmans conclude that the man, not the woman, is responsible for the success or failure of a marriage. This isn’t to say that men control the outcome by choosing to keep or dump the woman. This means that through their behavior – primarily the Four Horsemen – men steer the emotional tenor of the ship. And most of the time, they are unaware of what they do. Takeaway: Men, how you treat women determines whether you will find happiness in love.

• • WOMEN WANT TO FEEL SAFE WITH AND TO TRUST THEIR MAN
    No shit, Sherlock, but somehow I’d never put it quite that way. A woman’s primary need is for safety. Personally, I don’t think I’m very emotionally needy, and I don’t have the frequent sense of physical danger that the Gottmans say haunts women, but omg, a sense of emotional safety in a relationship would be most welcome. Of course, if your man subjects you to The Four Horsemen, and in particular, Contempt, there’s no way you’ll feel safe. As a corollary, the Gottmans say distrust and betrayal are at the heart of any breakup, regardless of whether there’s an affair. Takeaway: In any prospective relationship, I’m going to scan my body using the frequency of trust and safety as my benchmark. And then, I’m going to verbally discuss the scan results with friends in order to preclude sweeping them under the rug.

• • COUPLES NEED TO MAP THE INNER MIND OF THE PARTNER.
    Again, one would think this is evident, but I never phrased it that way. And it is so true. About a decade ago, my then-partner, recognizing I was feeling blue, took me for a drive through back country roads during one of those brief, glorious days before the autumn tapestry of golds and reds fades to barren winter. He knew the map of my mind. He knew how I was feeling, and he knew what would bring me cheer. I remember that moment vividly and how grateful I felt that someone knew and honored my inner life. In other books, the Gottmans provide a list of questions to map the partner’s inner mind. Takeaway: I’m going to start reading lists of questions and practice sharpening empathy.

• FEAR AND AROUSAL ARE NOT THAT FAR APART
  Does that mean we should fear our partner? Of course not. The Gottmans say the right amygdala processes both fear and arousal and that the same cocktail of hormones (dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine) are released when you’re falling in love as well as when you’re riding a roller coaster, so guys, go bungee jumping with your girl if you want her to fall in love with you. Takeaway: If I can ever get a guy to sign a relationship agreement, it’s going to include a clause that once a month we’ll do something physically novel, such as a new sport, or dance, or something challenging.

RECOMMENDATION: This is the perfect gift for a son, nephew or any young man in your life. He may not understand the deeper message, but at least it will teach him how to get dates.